Awkward Social Situation

Yesterday, Anne, Ryan and I were walking around Silver Lake for some exercise. Along the way, a guy jogging saw us and stopped. It was obvious that he knew Ryan and me. And he looked pretty familiar. What was also obvious was that nobody knew each other's names. We all looked at each other with an expression that was the bastard child of surprise, excitement, bewilderment and fear. Surprised since I haven't seen this guy in over 10 years, excitement because we knew this guy pretty well, bewilderment because we didn't know how to figure out his name, and fear because nobody wanted to admit their memory loss. Of course, I, being the risk taker that I am, threw out a name. The way I saw it, it was a boolean situation. I was either going to be true or false. Of course the chances of me being wrong were high, but I figured if I don't at least try my chance of being right was guaranteed zero. Since I was already feeling awkward, I decided to take my chances. Unfortunately, I was wrong, dead wrong. The funny thing was that I wasn't corrected. For a split second I thought I was right, but when the awkwardness continued I was sure that I was not. Luckily we were headed in opposite directions, so the entire occurrence lasted all of 3 seconds. A few seconds later, Ryan and I realized who it was. Well, Ryan realized and I agreed. He was actually a guy that we pledged with in college. A guy that I had publicly decreed that I would die for. Yeah, that guy, "what's his name".

Situations like this happen all the time with Anne and me. The first time I remember it happening was early on in our relationship when we were at a restaurant in China town. We were waiting for our number to be called in order to enjoy some dim sum when I heard someone call out my name. The face looked so familiar so I promptly responded with surprise and greeted him with "What's up bro, what are you doing here?" (Obviously, he was eating) . We chit chatted for a few minutes, the whole time I'm trying to figure out his name. If that wasn't enough, the entire time Anne was just standing next to me wondering when I was going to introduce her. Of course I didn't introduce her because I didn't know his name, so I continued to dodge the situation. To make it even more awkward, after we exchanged pleasantries we all just kinda stood there in social awkwardness as we waited for our number to be called. He must have thought I was having an affair with Anne and I didn't want him to know who she was.

From that point on, Anne and I have cleverly developed a system to avoid these awkward situations. Please keep in mind that the same situation has happened with Anne and I in opposite roles. Under normal circumstances I would introduce people to Anne by saying "So and So, this is my wife, Anne." Given a Silver Lake/China town incident, if I were to introduce Anne by saying "OH, let me introduce you to my wife, this is Anne...." Anne would get my cue that I don't know this person's name and would quickly interrupt my introduction by offering her hand and saying "Nice to meet you, I'm sorry, what was your name again?" As if I had told her but she didn't hear me. With a high degree of success, the name would be given and I would follow up with a short background of how we know each other. Hopefully, by the time I've finished my witty anecdote about how we knew each other, the awkward situation would have been avoided and everyone would continue to be entertained by my charm. Unfortunately, we were unable to apply this technique at Silver Lake as we were jogging in opposite directions and didn't have enough time to implement. Given enough time and having Anne with me this situation is easily averted, but what if she wasn't?? Well, I've figured out a solution for that too.

If this were to happen while I'm alone, my course of actoin would be as follows. I would prolong the conversation as long as possible while in the back of my mind going through my entire contacts list to determine a name. The longer we speak, the more likely something will trigger my memory. The important thing is to speak in the most casual manner possible using slang when appropriate in place of their name, such as "bro" or "dude" or "girl" or "woman". Another key is to use the slang as a term of endearment so it doesn't sound too contrived. If by the end of the conversation I am still drawing a blank, the guaranteed course of action is to ask the other party for their contact info in order to schedule time to catch up. Best thing is to ask for a business card. If no business card is available, ask them to write down their phone number and email address. Usually they will write down their name along with the requested info. If I am the one writing down the info, I'll ask them how to spell their last name as if its difficult and don't want to misspell (there is some risk with this method if their last name is simple). Last important piece of info, once they have given me their name, I make sure to not use it for the rest of the current conversation, not even while parting ways. Using their name, only after they've given it to me, is a subtle sign that I've forgotten their name. By not using their name, I stay consistent and have them believe that I just don't use names thereby slightly reducing the awkwardness.

When all else fails, I drop my pride and apologetically ask for their name. Hey, it happens to everyone so I'm sure they will understand and try to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness. If not, then next time I'll purposely forget their name.

Perception

It's unbelievable how many people I know who are so smart yet are stuck in a rut because they refuse to adapt to their surroundings. While its all fine and good to stick to your principles, if that is what is keeping you from progressing then perhaps your principles need to be reevaluated. I'm not sure what's better, being a smart underachiever or an average overachiever.

Life is not easy, that's obvious. But learning how to roll with the punches is what makes it interesting, to say the least. Figuring out how to adapt in order to progress is part of the fun for me. The key thing is adapting. Sure I don't have a lot of things, but I have learned to appreciate the things I do have. I don't want to sound arrogant or egotistical. What I don't understand is why people I know that are smarter than me, don't seem to be as happy. Is it because they have higher aspirations? Is it because I have low aspirations? I don't know, but I wish I could give them advice but I don't think they want advice from me. Or they wouldn't want to hear the advice I would give them. For example, I've worked with a lot of smart people who refused to change their appearance in the workplace because they wanted to be judged on their performance not their attire. Fact of the matter is, in an office setting, how you carry yourself, which includes how you present yourself aesthetically is important to how you are perceived and treated. I'm a firm believer that how you dress also affects how you carry yourself. If I see someone who obviously took the time to look somewhat professional I will more likely to treat them more professionally. Basically, I'm tired of people who focus on the idea that they are underpaid and unappreciated instead of focusing on how to progress to be overpaid and overly appreciated. Sometimes the change is easy, its just not popular. One person that I admire took a huge risk going to school out of state. They then took a job in a not so popular city because it was good experience. They knew it was temporary but they also knew it would be difficult because their friends and family were in California. Eventually, after a few years they were able to come back to California because of a great opportunity. The amazing thing is that they had the foresight to look beyond the sacrifice they had to make but to focus on the ultimate goal. Another example of this is my brother-in-law. He basically sacrificed a majority of his high school and college social life in order to help my father-in-law with his tax practice. Now he's finally retiring from the practice at 27 because he's about to take the CPA exam which I'm sure he'll ace because of all his experience. He could have easily quit when he was in high-school or college. Somehow he didn't. Now he could probably start up his own tax and payroll company. Simply amazing to me. He'll probably be one of the most successful people I personally know.

When I first started working, I drove a civic. I loved my civic, but it was time to let it go because after 200k miles, it started to become unreliable. My dad had a 98 Avalon that he said I could buy off of him. It wasn't the cool car that I hoped to be driving, now that I was making money, but I knew that it was reliable and definitely affordable. While I loved my civic, buying a new car when you are 20 and trying to keep up with payments, insurance, and rent while going to school and working part-time was one of the most difficult things to do. So taking over the Avalon was an easy choice for me. 10 years later, I still drive that Avalon. I will probably drive it a couple more years then finally buy a nice car for myself. My point is that because I didn't splurge on a new car, I was able to save money for a decent ring for my wife, a beautiful wedding, and a condo. Maybe my priorities are different from everyone else, but I think I made the right decision. Knowing that I didn't have a car payment gave me peace of mind that was unimaginable. It was the polar opposite of the stress of keeping my civic.

If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have bought a new car when I wasn't fully independent. At my first job, I would have dressed up all the time even though there wasn't a dress code. Anytime someone criticizes me, its probably for something I did or they observed. Instead of trying to correct them, I try to figure out what caused them to criticize me and how to change it. The lessons I've learned I still apply today and will apply in the future. If there is something I'm unhappy about, before I start complaining about it, I'm gonna figure out what I need to do to make a change. I think for every sacrifice I've made, I'm finally reaping the benefits. I guess its like paying your dues. I hope that I will be able to teach my kids these lessons instead of them having to learn themselves. I don't think its "selling out", I think its more about focusing on the big picture and the long term goals.

Wealthy Expectations

I think its safe to say that the wealthier you are the more resources you have available to you. As such, I believe expectations should be proportionally higher. My expectations of the wealthy are that they should conduct themselves with more maturity and sensitivity. For example, if you can afford a luxury vehicle, then you should have the common sense to be a good driver. If you don't, then you should have the common sense to get lessons. I don't know how many luxury vehicle drivers I have come across that seem to act as if they are entitled to break traffic laws. I would put money down that the chances that someone cuts in line to enter a backed up on ramp is proportional to the cost of their car. I'm sure age, ethnicity, gender, and other observable traits are a factor but the level of luxury trumps them all. Most likely I'm seeing the world through jealous goggles and I'm just looking for a reason to hate people who have more than me. But for now, I will believe that there are too many wealthy people who do not know how to handle their wealth.

My Head Hurts

Everyday the wheels in my brain are turning. I am constantly thinking about why and how and what if and howcome. Then I watch a movie like "Inception" and the questions begin to multiply. It's gotten to the point where I can't write about a single topic anymore. I'm starting to just write about writing. At first this was therapeutic and entertaining. I was able to somewhat coherently put my thoughts into words. Lately, it has become truly just random ramblings. I've written 3 entries today that I'm not going to publish because I really don't want people to think I'm any crazier than they already think. When I read some of these unpublished blogs I start to realize that I may be a big hipocrite. Believe it or not, I do care what people think of me. I'm not sure if its ok to care or not. If it's acceptable or not. I find it difficult to believe that people don't care what other people think of them. I realize that most of things I do are heavily influenced by what people will think. Does that not make me a free thinker? Does that make me less independent? Of course, there are some people whose opinion of me I care about the most. Practically every decision I make is influenced by what my wife would think. Does that make me "whooped"? I don't think so. I like to think of it as being considerate and sensitive to the one person I expect to be with me for the rest of my life. While I'm not afraid to argue, for the most part I try to avoid it. The people I respect the most are the one's who know what an opinion is and understand that everyone has one. I love when people are able to share their opinion with me and are willing to listen to my opinion and not try to convince me to agree with their opinion. Hmm..on that note, it's time to end this entry. I think I just have a lot on my mind that its starting to hurt trying to communicate it all.

Sarcasm Part 1

Why Part 1? Because this topic is so deeply rooted in my very being that giving it only one blip on my narcissistic blog would be a travesty.

I will begin with the idea that not everyone understands sarcasm. Usually, those who do not understand it are offended by it. By definition sarcasm is (looking up in dictionary.com) a "sharply ironical taunt". At face value a "taunt" can be seen as threatening and negative. The beauty of the definition lies in the ironical part. To be ironical is a gift. To taunt with irony is an skill and an artform. In no way am I saying everyone should taunt others whenever they can. You must choose your targets wisely and use caution in your subjects and delivery. Timing is essential in the use of sarcasm.

I use sarcasm in many different ways, sometimes to my detriment but mostly to my benefit. To make a person see the humor in their flaws or mistakes, I think is very noble. We often take ourselves too seriously when we strive for perfection that we forget that we are all human and we all have our quirks and idiosyncrasies. I think its worse to go about life not being aware of our social shortcomings than to accept occasional ridicule from our friends, especially when its done in good fun. The benefit I receive from using sarcasm is the peace of mind knowing that I can make people laugh. Sure, a lot of times it's at other people's expense, but I mean no harm. If harm is felt, it's usually because I've struck a nerve, been inappropriate, or used horrible timing. Alas, that is the risk of sarcasm. It is a skill that needs to be honed and used with sensitivity. But to repeat the most important aspect of sarcasm, its too lighten up the mood and bring humor into this crazy world we live in.

Tipping

My rules for tipping:

1. Restaurants - 15% standard. When I'm not drinking alcohol with my meal, I usually determine the quality of service by how often I have to ask for a refill on my drink. If I never have to ask for a refill, I'll give at least give 20%. For every time I have to ask for something or call the server over, I deduct 1%.
2. Buffets - $1-$2 per person regardless of cost.
3. Chinese restaurants - If they write down a number on a piece of paper and hand it to you because they don't accept reservations or if the lobby looks like a cattle call or if the servers do not smile or if it's service by committee or if they give you a wet glass of water with a straw or if the server says "Wachuwant?" or if you order by number - 5-10%, if they take reservations then normal restaurant rules apply.
4. Fine Dining - Some restaurants are known for their service, in that case 20% is customary but 20% of a $500 bill is a C note, if you think that's a lot then you shouldn't be dining at that restaurant.
5. While I use my right to not tip if service is lousy, if its a restaurant that I frequent, then I'll give a 15% tip then make sure I get waited on by someone else next time I go. If you don't tip at a restaurant you go to at least once a month, then you'll pay for it in the end, if you know what I mean. If it's a place I only go to 2-3 times a year, if its bad service, then bad tip. If you really want to make a statement, leaving coins is worse then leaving nothing.
6. Bottle service - 15-20% tip is automatically added at the end, so make sure you consider that when you are asking for prices. You will usually be given the price of the bottle w/o tip and taxes.
7. Taxis - $5-10 ride = $1, $11-20= $2, maximum $5 unless you are taking a cab home from because you are too drunk to drive, minimum $10 (they are saving your life).
8. Hotels - $2-$5 a night maid service, Maid Service request (pillows, toothpaste, roll-away) $2 per visit, Room service requests (maintenance) ZERO!!, Room service meals - $2 (they add a service charge already and the food is over-priced so you're not being cheap), Bellman carrying luggage to room - minimum $5 +$1 per luggage over 3 pieces, Bellman calling taxi $2, concierge $5 per visit **Business trips go crazy big baller shot caller
9. Restroom attendants - $1 if you take something not normally available at restrooms w/o attendants. ZERO for anything else.
10. Bar - First drink - minimum $5 to get their attention (always buy 1 drink first). All drinks after that $1 per drink.
11. Casinos - Black Jack: 10% for any win over $50. If you win every hand where you split more than once, then tip 20% of your total (bet $5, split twice, win $15, tip $3). Your tips mean more to them if you bet it on the side. Feel free to ask them if they want to accept tip or bet it on your next hand. If you leave the table with a profit, make sure to tip at least 10%, unless 10% means breaking up a chip when you color up. For example, if you start with $200 and you leave with $300 then don't tip. Hopefully you'll have tipped a little while you were playing. But its a good idea to get up when you have $310 so you can give $10 to the dealer.
Roulette - If you win big on one spin (>$100) tip 5%. I think your big tip should be when you leave the table - at least 10% of your profit. I don't play craps that much, so I would tip around 10% of profits.
12. Strip clubs - When I buy my friends a dance, I won't tip for the first one. If they really liked the dance, then I'll buy them another one and tip at least 25%. If the dancer asks for a tip, then definitely ZERO.
13. Golf - Caddy 10% minimum, 30% or more if you shoot a personal best. Club washers $5-$10 depending on how racist the club is. The more racist the employees the more you tip, because you want to assert your financial superiority, unless they are blatantly racist, then you make them clean your clubs until they look like new, then you give them a shiny Quarter.
14. Barbers - $5 minimum, if they call themselves a stylist then they better wash your hair. In that case $10 minimum. If they butcher your head, then less than $5. I'm getting my hair cut every 2 weeks, so it adds up.
15. Car wash - If it's $20 or less, $3. $21 or more, then $5. If they are waxing or claybarring add another $5-$10. Always, ALWAYS walk around your car and inspect before tipping.

Remember, tipping is not a requirement. If you get bad service, then don't tip or tip accordingly. But when you do tip, keep in mind that the person you are tipping may not be the only one receiving it. The tip may be split with the host, the chef, the other servers, it may go into a pool to be split at the end of the night, or it may not go to the person at all. I used to date a waitress and she told me that it's bad form to tip an obscure amount in order to make the total a round number. That tells them that the tip is not based on their service.

If you go somewhere and there is a jar or bucket that is obviously handmade, then put your change up to $3 if you are paying cash. If its at a place where they don't serve meals (starbucks), I typically don't like to tip more than spare change unless the barista is uber nice. MAKE SURE THEY SEE YOU PUT THE MONEY IN THE JAR!!

The greatest service I've ever had was at French Laundry in Napa. It was a fine dining restaurant but our server was awesome, not at all snooty. He encouraged us to ask questions, was never condescending, seemed to read our mind whenever we needed something. At the end of the meal I felt like he was an old friend. The restaurant charged a flat price per meal which included tip. I threw in another 10% of the total because the level of service was equally as extraordinary as the meal.

Parent Lesson #2 - Culture Clash

Many of my generation’s Filipino parents were not born here. The fact is that they left the Philippines seeking a better life and more opportunity for their children. I would say, for the most part, many of us have been given a better life and more opportunity. In my opinion, the biggest difference in our upbringing has been our educational system and our cultural exposure. I’m not sure what the education system in the Philippines is like, but I assume back then schools were more vocational. Also, the culture that seemed to be prevalent in my family was one of unconditional respect for your elders.

Being raised in America, and being an adult, the cultural and generational differences are becoming more and more apparent. Many of my generation’s parents did not have the resources available today to assist with parenting. It was basically parenting by inheritance. Meaning our parents raised us how they thought was best based on how they were raised. Today, we have the internet, Dr. Spock, Oprah, and Supernanny to show us proven techniques to better discipline, raise, and educate our children. I would say that my generation is almost expected to raise perfect children while my parents were just expected to survive in America. Granted, one standard in Filipino, if not all Asian culture is education. In some cultures graduating High School is an achievement. In my culture, it’s a requirement. Nevertheless, what I’m trying to say is that at some point we are going to come to a cross-road with our parents. One where our cultures are going to clash and someone will have to concede that the other one is right. If our parents are right, then it’s easy. If we are right, God help us. All my life I’ve been taught to respect my elders. The favorite saying my Mom (love you Mom!!) and my Lola would say to me is “No how come, how come!” Now, let’s say our parenting skills bump heads. Yelling at your kids is no longer the best way to discipline them. Who’s going to step up when your parents are yelling at your kids because they are acting up? Remember, respect your elders. Ideally, it would be easy to say you can explain to your parents that we don’t yell at our kids. But if your parents are yelling, it’s obviously a tenuous situation. I’m not sure speaking calmly to an irate grandparent is the easiest thing to do. Obviously, you want to share what you’ve learned with your parents, but at the same time you don’t want to tell them that the way they raised you was not the best way (even though it wasn’t). Hell, they did their best with what was available to them. Are you now going to try and “teach an old dog new tricks?” Thankfully my friends are going through this now and I am able to think about how I would handle it when I cross that road. If I think one of the elders has a different opinion on how to raise my children from Anne and me then I will take the pre-emptive attack and let them know how we do it, and if they aren’t comfortable with our methods then if a situation occurs, they can let us know and we’ll handle it. Hopefully, they’ll respect our wishes. Most likely they won’t because they’re egos could be hurt. I guess nobody really wants someone else disciplining your children. I know I don’t have any kids yet. But damn it, when we do, I’m going to make sure I’m as prepared as possible.