Kuya Dondee

I wrote this 6 years ago but never published.  Now that he's gone, I'm looking for constant reminders of  him and what he taught me about tolerance and acceptance.  RIP Kuya Dondee, I miss you:

There are these things called social norms that we all expect everyone to follow. Like washing your hands after using a public restroom, combing your hair, brushing your teeth, being polite, saying please and thank you, the list goes on and on. These norms or rules are what make us civilized. Anytime we see someone who doesn't follow them, they are considered a deviant. They are ostracized. And while I may agree to a certain extent, I have to wonder where the line is drawn. Obviously we are not all of the same level of intelligence. There is a classification for people who may not be as bright as others or who may have a learning disability. Sometimes it is easy to identify them, other times, I should say most of the time it is not. In any case, I constantly struggle on how to handle them. On the one hand, you want to treat everyone equally. On the other hand, some of us need extra attention or more leniency. I've spent my entire life dealing with this conflict as my older brother was "special". I'm not exactly sure what gave him this label. I've heard it may be autism, mild retardation, a learning disability, or he was just "slow". As far as I can remember, I was conflicted on how to treat him. When I was young, we would always fight like brothers did. Afterwards, I would always wonder if I should be fighting with him. Now as an adult, I've taken more of the older brother role but I'm not always sure if I'm treating him properly. He's married and will be 40 next year. So its strange to think that he needs guidance. However, it is apparent that he looks to me sometimes for guidance. I'm more than happy to give it to him especially knowing that I'm the first person he'll go to if he has a problem. What I also struggle with is how to react at how others treat him. Initially I was very protective. But after a while I thought that I was being over-protective and that I was preventing him from learning. Then again, in my heart I felt that I needed to protect him. If people were as judgmental as me, then he was definitely not safe.

He definitely lacks discipline. From first glance you would think he's a slob. But when you realize that he is wired differently you start to become a little more tolerant. Others are not so tolerant. Others try so hard to teach him to the point of brutality. It confuses me. While I know they have good intentions, I know that it may be unnecessary. I also know that trying to discuss things calmly is not effective either. I just want him to be happy but I don't want him to bother anybody either. I don't want people to feel like he's a burden even though I know he can be very difficult to deal with. He's literally a kid at heart. He's fun loving and undisciplined. But nobody knows what expectations to have of him. I just want him to be happy and I'm proud of what he's accomplished so far.