I wrote this 6 years ago but never published. Now that he's gone, I'm looking for constant reminders of him and what he taught me about tolerance and acceptance. RIP Kuya Dondee, I miss you:
There are these things called social norms that we all expect everyone to follow. Like washing your hands after using a public restroom, combing your hair, brushing your teeth, being polite, saying please and thank you, the list goes on and on. These norms or rules are what make us civilized. Anytime we see someone who doesn't follow them, they are considered a deviant. They are ostracized. And while I may agree to a certain extent, I have to wonder where the line is drawn. Obviously we are not all of the same level of intelligence. There is a classification for people who may not be as bright as others or who may have a learning disability. Sometimes it is easy to identify them, other times, I should say most of the time it is not. In any case, I constantly struggle on how to handle them. On the one hand, you want to treat everyone equally. On the other hand, some of us need extra attention or more leniency. I've spent my entire life dealing with this conflict as my older brother was "special". I'm not exactly sure what gave him this label. I've heard it may be autism, mild retardation, a learning disability, or he was just "slow". As far as I can remember, I was conflicted on how to treat him. When I was young, we would always fight like brothers did. Afterwards, I would always wonder if I should be fighting with him. Now as an adult, I've taken more of the older brother role but I'm not always sure if I'm treating him properly. He's married and will be 40 next year. So its strange to think that he needs guidance. However, it is apparent that he looks to me sometimes for guidance. I'm more than happy to give it to him especially knowing that I'm the first person he'll go to if he has a problem. What I also struggle with is how to react at how others treat him. Initially I was very protective. But after a while I thought that I was being over-protective and that I was preventing him from learning. Then again, in my heart I felt that I needed to protect him. If people were as judgmental as me, then he was definitely not safe.
He definitely lacks discipline. From first glance you would think he's a slob. But when you realize that he is wired differently you start to become a little more tolerant. Others are not so tolerant. Others try so hard to teach him to the point of brutality. It confuses me. While I know they have good intentions, I know that it may be unnecessary. I also know that trying to discuss things calmly is not effective either. I just want him to be happy but I don't want him to bother anybody either. I don't want people to feel like he's a burden even though I know he can be very difficult to deal with. He's literally a kid at heart. He's fun loving and undisciplined. But nobody knows what expectations to have of him. I just want him to be happy and I'm proud of what he's accomplished so far.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Life
I go through each day always trying to figure out what I need to do to make the most of my life. There are soooo many things to think about; how to advance in my career, how to be responsible and mature, how to be a good husband; how to be a good brother, how to be a good friend. Sometimes some of these things come in conflict with the other. These are the times they really test me. How can I make everyone happy? Often I just get frustrated and end up making everyone unhappy. Go figure. But then there are those times when you realize why you want to make everyone happy. The people we have in our lives are a large part of what shape our happiness. Their happiness becomes your happiness. Conversely, their sadness becomes yours as well.
While I don't have children yet, what I do have are people who love me and at the same time rely on me. I'll be the first to admit that I may not live up to expectations, but what I've realized is that as long as I make the effort, that is what is most important. Of course, effort can only go so far, success is still the goal.
So what is the point of this blog? The point is that we all know, more or less, who loves us. However, you we don't always know all of them. Sure we are bound to our relatives, we hope that our friends are closer than they really are but the true sign of love is when you are in need, when you are at your wit's end, the people who care about you are there to pick you up. It doesn't matter how many times you've disappointed them, they are always there. The best feeling is when someone you don't expect to be there is there.
Life comes at us with no hesitation. We grow old every second, and with every moment we have to figure out how to live. I was blessed to have my mother for the time she was here. I am blessed to have the little interaction that I have with my father. Most people my age still have their parents as their support group, to help them to figure out how to live. My brothers and I no longer have that support group and are still expected to figure out how to live. So we make mistakes but we survive. We are each others support group. We may not have all the wisdom and knowledge to always do the right thing, but what we do have is each other to learn with. So we may not learn at the same pace as others, but we learn.
In closing, its been awhile since I've written an entry so please excuse the lack of continuity in my writing. Tonight, I just felt the need to appreciate my family and friends. I'm thankful to have a wife that tolerates me, brothers who learn with me, and friends that surprise me. In the end, it's all love and I'll take it.
While I don't have children yet, what I do have are people who love me and at the same time rely on me. I'll be the first to admit that I may not live up to expectations, but what I've realized is that as long as I make the effort, that is what is most important. Of course, effort can only go so far, success is still the goal.
So what is the point of this blog? The point is that we all know, more or less, who loves us. However, you we don't always know all of them. Sure we are bound to our relatives, we hope that our friends are closer than they really are but the true sign of love is when you are in need, when you are at your wit's end, the people who care about you are there to pick you up. It doesn't matter how many times you've disappointed them, they are always there. The best feeling is when someone you don't expect to be there is there.
Life comes at us with no hesitation. We grow old every second, and with every moment we have to figure out how to live. I was blessed to have my mother for the time she was here. I am blessed to have the little interaction that I have with my father. Most people my age still have their parents as their support group, to help them to figure out how to live. My brothers and I no longer have that support group and are still expected to figure out how to live. So we make mistakes but we survive. We are each others support group. We may not have all the wisdom and knowledge to always do the right thing, but what we do have is each other to learn with. So we may not learn at the same pace as others, but we learn.
In closing, its been awhile since I've written an entry so please excuse the lack of continuity in my writing. Tonight, I just felt the need to appreciate my family and friends. I'm thankful to have a wife that tolerates me, brothers who learn with me, and friends that surprise me. In the end, it's all love and I'll take it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
What do you think?
While I'm all for a good discussion of opposing opinions, lately I've been realizing that certain types of debates are more enjoyable than others. To me, a good debate is one where opinion is truly at the foundation of the conversation and it is ultimately understood. To understand this is to respect this.
If I asked for your opinion about using a flavor packet when cooking a stew, you could respond in many different ways. A full discussion could be had regarding the pros and cons of cooking from scratch. I think a good debate could be expected. However, it all depends on the delivery of the arguments. There are a lot of people that insist that their opinion is fact. So much so, that they become condescending if you did not wholeheartedly agree with their stance. For example, these people would say "Flavor packet? It's not REAL cooking unless you cook from scratch." Their opinion is delivered as if it were law. They go on to recite facts that support their opinion in an attempt to condescend even more. Little do they know, I'm not looking for a competition. I'm simply trying to foster discussion and conversation. I would have more respect if they just said, "I prefer not to use a flavor packet because...." The same message is conveyed, but its less threatening and is more open to other opinions.
From a professional standpoint, I am definitely more open to others opinions if they are able to present it in a non-threatening manner. Perhaps this makes me overly sensitive and not ready for the rigors of the dog eat dog world of business. From a personal standpoint, I tend to respect and admire those of my friends that enjoy sharing their opinion with me without all the belittling. The ironic part of it all is that in college, one of my fraternity brothers dubbed me "Mr. I'm right until you can prove me wrong." At first, I was flattered. Looking back, I am not so proud of it. I thought maybe it meant that I was a "master debater" (save the jokes). In retrospect, I know it just meant that, at the time, I was better at expressing myself. Nowadays I try not to get into arguments. "Try" being the key word. As I get older, arguing just seems to take too much energy. Of course if the topic is one that affects me or my family, I will put more effort into the discussion. But if it doesn't, then I am perfectly content digressing. The other exception to this rule is when my friends and I are arguing about complete non-sense, like who is the greatest marvel superhero (Wolverine) or who is the greatest Laker of all-time (Magic Johnson) etc.
In conclusion, while being right, winning an argument, or forcing your opinion on others might make you feel good, in the grand scheme of things, it might do more harm than good as to how people see you. I've subscribed to theory that it's only good to correct someone when you really truly have to.
If I asked for your opinion about using a flavor packet when cooking a stew, you could respond in many different ways. A full discussion could be had regarding the pros and cons of cooking from scratch. I think a good debate could be expected. However, it all depends on the delivery of the arguments. There are a lot of people that insist that their opinion is fact. So much so, that they become condescending if you did not wholeheartedly agree with their stance. For example, these people would say "Flavor packet? It's not REAL cooking unless you cook from scratch." Their opinion is delivered as if it were law. They go on to recite facts that support their opinion in an attempt to condescend even more. Little do they know, I'm not looking for a competition. I'm simply trying to foster discussion and conversation. I would have more respect if they just said, "I prefer not to use a flavor packet because...." The same message is conveyed, but its less threatening and is more open to other opinions.
From a professional standpoint, I am definitely more open to others opinions if they are able to present it in a non-threatening manner. Perhaps this makes me overly sensitive and not ready for the rigors of the dog eat dog world of business. From a personal standpoint, I tend to respect and admire those of my friends that enjoy sharing their opinion with me without all the belittling. The ironic part of it all is that in college, one of my fraternity brothers dubbed me "Mr. I'm right until you can prove me wrong." At first, I was flattered. Looking back, I am not so proud of it. I thought maybe it meant that I was a "master debater" (save the jokes). In retrospect, I know it just meant that, at the time, I was better at expressing myself. Nowadays I try not to get into arguments. "Try" being the key word. As I get older, arguing just seems to take too much energy. Of course if the topic is one that affects me or my family, I will put more effort into the discussion. But if it doesn't, then I am perfectly content digressing. The other exception to this rule is when my friends and I are arguing about complete non-sense, like who is the greatest marvel superhero (Wolverine) or who is the greatest Laker of all-time (Magic Johnson) etc.
In conclusion, while being right, winning an argument, or forcing your opinion on others might make you feel good, in the grand scheme of things, it might do more harm than good as to how people see you. I've subscribed to theory that it's only good to correct someone when you really truly have to.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Awkward Social Situation
Yesterday, Anne, Ryan and I were walking around Silver Lake for some exercise. Along the way, a guy jogging saw us and stopped. It was obvious that he knew Ryan and me. And he looked pretty familiar. What was also obvious was that nobody knew each other's names. We all looked at each other with an expression that was the bastard child of surprise, excitement, bewilderment and fear. Surprised since I haven't seen this guy in over 10 years, excitement because we knew this guy pretty well, bewilderment because we didn't know how to figure out his name, and fear because nobody wanted to admit their memory loss. Of course, I, being the risk taker that I am, threw out a name. The way I saw it, it was a boolean situation. I was either going to be true or false. Of course the chances of me being wrong were high, but I figured if I don't at least try my chance of being right was guaranteed zero. Since I was already feeling awkward, I decided to take my chances. Unfortunately, I was wrong, dead wrong. The funny thing was that I wasn't corrected. For a split second I thought I was right, but when the awkwardness continued I was sure that I was not. Luckily we were headed in opposite directions, so the entire occurrence lasted all of 3 seconds. A few seconds later, Ryan and I realized who it was. Well, Ryan realized and I agreed. He was actually a guy that we pledged with in college. A guy that I had publicly decreed that I would die for. Yeah, that guy, "what's his name".
Situations like this happen all the time with Anne and me. The first time I remember it happening was early on in our relationship when we were at a restaurant in China town. We were waiting for our number to be called in order to enjoy some dim sum when I heard someone call out my name. The face looked so familiar so I promptly responded with surprise and greeted him with "What's up bro, what are you doing here?" (Obviously, he was eating) . We chit chatted for a few minutes, the whole time I'm trying to figure out his name. If that wasn't enough, the entire time Anne was just standing next to me wondering when I was going to introduce her. Of course I didn't introduce her because I didn't know his name, so I continued to dodge the situation. To make it even more awkward, after we exchanged pleasantries we all just kinda stood there in social awkwardness as we waited for our number to be called. He must have thought I was having an affair with Anne and I didn't want him to know who she was.
From that point on, Anne and I have cleverly developed a system to avoid these awkward situations. Please keep in mind that the same situation has happened with Anne and I in opposite roles. Under normal circumstances I would introduce people to Anne by saying "So and So, this is my wife, Anne." Given a Silver Lake/China town incident, if I were to introduce Anne by saying "OH, let me introduce you to my wife, this is Anne...." Anne would get my cue that I don't know this person's name and would quickly interrupt my introduction by offering her hand and saying "Nice to meet you, I'm sorry, what was your name again?" As if I had told her but she didn't hear me. With a high degree of success, the name would be given and I would follow up with a short background of how we know each other. Hopefully, by the time I've finished my witty anecdote about how we knew each other, the awkward situation would have been avoided and everyone would continue to be entertained by my charm. Unfortunately, we were unable to apply this technique at Silver Lake as we were jogging in opposite directions and didn't have enough time to implement. Given enough time and having Anne with me this situation is easily averted, but what if she wasn't?? Well, I've figured out a solution for that too.
If this were to happen while I'm alone, my course of actoin would be as follows. I would prolong the conversation as long as possible while in the back of my mind going through my entire contacts list to determine a name. The longer we speak, the more likely something will trigger my memory. The important thing is to speak in the most casual manner possible using slang when appropriate in place of their name, such as "bro" or "dude" or "girl" or "woman". Another key is to use the slang as a term of endearment so it doesn't sound too contrived. If by the end of the conversation I am still drawing a blank, the guaranteed course of action is to ask the other party for their contact info in order to schedule time to catch up. Best thing is to ask for a business card. If no business card is available, ask them to write down their phone number and email address. Usually they will write down their name along with the requested info. If I am the one writing down the info, I'll ask them how to spell their last name as if its difficult and don't want to misspell (there is some risk with this method if their last name is simple). Last important piece of info, once they have given me their name, I make sure to not use it for the rest of the current conversation, not even while parting ways. Using their name, only after they've given it to me, is a subtle sign that I've forgotten their name. By not using their name, I stay consistent and have them believe that I just don't use names thereby slightly reducing the awkwardness.
When all else fails, I drop my pride and apologetically ask for their name. Hey, it happens to everyone so I'm sure they will understand and try to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness. If not, then next time I'll purposely forget their name.
Situations like this happen all the time with Anne and me. The first time I remember it happening was early on in our relationship when we were at a restaurant in China town. We were waiting for our number to be called in order to enjoy some dim sum when I heard someone call out my name. The face looked so familiar so I promptly responded with surprise and greeted him with "What's up bro, what are you doing here?" (Obviously, he was eating) . We chit chatted for a few minutes, the whole time I'm trying to figure out his name. If that wasn't enough, the entire time Anne was just standing next to me wondering when I was going to introduce her. Of course I didn't introduce her because I didn't know his name, so I continued to dodge the situation. To make it even more awkward, after we exchanged pleasantries we all just kinda stood there in social awkwardness as we waited for our number to be called. He must have thought I was having an affair with Anne and I didn't want him to know who she was.
From that point on, Anne and I have cleverly developed a system to avoid these awkward situations. Please keep in mind that the same situation has happened with Anne and I in opposite roles. Under normal circumstances I would introduce people to Anne by saying "So and So, this is my wife, Anne." Given a Silver Lake/China town incident, if I were to introduce Anne by saying "OH, let me introduce you to my wife, this is Anne...." Anne would get my cue that I don't know this person's name and would quickly interrupt my introduction by offering her hand and saying "Nice to meet you, I'm sorry, what was your name again?" As if I had told her but she didn't hear me. With a high degree of success, the name would be given and I would follow up with a short background of how we know each other. Hopefully, by the time I've finished my witty anecdote about how we knew each other, the awkward situation would have been avoided and everyone would continue to be entertained by my charm. Unfortunately, we were unable to apply this technique at Silver Lake as we were jogging in opposite directions and didn't have enough time to implement. Given enough time and having Anne with me this situation is easily averted, but what if she wasn't?? Well, I've figured out a solution for that too.
If this were to happen while I'm alone, my course of actoin would be as follows. I would prolong the conversation as long as possible while in the back of my mind going through my entire contacts list to determine a name. The longer we speak, the more likely something will trigger my memory. The important thing is to speak in the most casual manner possible using slang when appropriate in place of their name, such as "bro" or "dude" or "girl" or "woman". Another key is to use the slang as a term of endearment so it doesn't sound too contrived. If by the end of the conversation I am still drawing a blank, the guaranteed course of action is to ask the other party for their contact info in order to schedule time to catch up. Best thing is to ask for a business card. If no business card is available, ask them to write down their phone number and email address. Usually they will write down their name along with the requested info. If I am the one writing down the info, I'll ask them how to spell their last name as if its difficult and don't want to misspell (there is some risk with this method if their last name is simple). Last important piece of info, once they have given me their name, I make sure to not use it for the rest of the current conversation, not even while parting ways. Using their name, only after they've given it to me, is a subtle sign that I've forgotten their name. By not using their name, I stay consistent and have them believe that I just don't use names thereby slightly reducing the awkwardness.
When all else fails, I drop my pride and apologetically ask for their name. Hey, it happens to everyone so I'm sure they will understand and try to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness. If not, then next time I'll purposely forget their name.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Perception
It's unbelievable how many people I know who are so smart yet are stuck in a rut because they refuse to adapt to their surroundings. While its all fine and good to stick to your principles, if that is what is keeping you from progressing then perhaps your principles need to be reevaluated. I'm not sure what's better, being a smart underachiever or an average overachiever.
Life is not easy, that's obvious. But learning how to roll with the punches is what makes it interesting, to say the least. Figuring out how to adapt in order to progress is part of the fun for me. The key thing is adapting. Sure I don't have a lot of things, but I have learned to appreciate the things I do have. I don't want to sound arrogant or egotistical. What I don't understand is why people I know that are smarter than me, don't seem to be as happy. Is it because they have higher aspirations? Is it because I have low aspirations? I don't know, but I wish I could give them advice but I don't think they want advice from me. Or they wouldn't want to hear the advice I would give them. For example, I've worked with a lot of smart people who refused to change their appearance in the workplace because they wanted to be judged on their performance not their attire. Fact of the matter is, in an office setting, how you carry yourself, which includes how you present yourself aesthetically is important to how you are perceived and treated. I'm a firm believer that how you dress also affects how you carry yourself. If I see someone who obviously took the time to look somewhat professional I will more likely to treat them more professionally. Basically, I'm tired of people who focus on the idea that they are underpaid and unappreciated instead of focusing on how to progress to be overpaid and overly appreciated. Sometimes the change is easy, its just not popular. One person that I admire took a huge risk going to school out of state. They then took a job in a not so popular city because it was good experience. They knew it was temporary but they also knew it would be difficult because their friends and family were in California. Eventually, after a few years they were able to come back to California because of a great opportunity. The amazing thing is that they had the foresight to look beyond the sacrifice they had to make but to focus on the ultimate goal. Another example of this is my brother-in-law. He basically sacrificed a majority of his high school and college social life in order to help my father-in-law with his tax practice. Now he's finally retiring from the practice at 27 because he's about to take the CPA exam which I'm sure he'll ace because of all his experience. He could have easily quit when he was in high-school or college. Somehow he didn't. Now he could probably start up his own tax and payroll company. Simply amazing to me. He'll probably be one of the most successful people I personally know.
When I first started working, I drove a civic. I loved my civic, but it was time to let it go because after 200k miles, it started to become unreliable. My dad had a 98 Avalon that he said I could buy off of him. It wasn't the cool car that I hoped to be driving, now that I was making money, but I knew that it was reliable and definitely affordable. While I loved my civic, buying a new car when you are 20 and trying to keep up with payments, insurance, and rent while going to school and working part-time was one of the most difficult things to do. So taking over the Avalon was an easy choice for me. 10 years later, I still drive that Avalon. I will probably drive it a couple more years then finally buy a nice car for myself. My point is that because I didn't splurge on a new car, I was able to save money for a decent ring for my wife, a beautiful wedding, and a condo. Maybe my priorities are different from everyone else, but I think I made the right decision. Knowing that I didn't have a car payment gave me peace of mind that was unimaginable. It was the polar opposite of the stress of keeping my civic.
If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have bought a new car when I wasn't fully independent. At my first job, I would have dressed up all the time even though there wasn't a dress code. Anytime someone criticizes me, its probably for something I did or they observed. Instead of trying to correct them, I try to figure out what caused them to criticize me and how to change it. The lessons I've learned I still apply today and will apply in the future. If there is something I'm unhappy about, before I start complaining about it, I'm gonna figure out what I need to do to make a change. I think for every sacrifice I've made, I'm finally reaping the benefits. I guess its like paying your dues. I hope that I will be able to teach my kids these lessons instead of them having to learn themselves. I don't think its "selling out", I think its more about focusing on the big picture and the long term goals.
Life is not easy, that's obvious. But learning how to roll with the punches is what makes it interesting, to say the least. Figuring out how to adapt in order to progress is part of the fun for me. The key thing is adapting. Sure I don't have a lot of things, but I have learned to appreciate the things I do have. I don't want to sound arrogant or egotistical. What I don't understand is why people I know that are smarter than me, don't seem to be as happy. Is it because they have higher aspirations? Is it because I have low aspirations? I don't know, but I wish I could give them advice but I don't think they want advice from me. Or they wouldn't want to hear the advice I would give them. For example, I've worked with a lot of smart people who refused to change their appearance in the workplace because they wanted to be judged on their performance not their attire. Fact of the matter is, in an office setting, how you carry yourself, which includes how you present yourself aesthetically is important to how you are perceived and treated. I'm a firm believer that how you dress also affects how you carry yourself. If I see someone who obviously took the time to look somewhat professional I will more likely to treat them more professionally. Basically, I'm tired of people who focus on the idea that they are underpaid and unappreciated instead of focusing on how to progress to be overpaid and overly appreciated. Sometimes the change is easy, its just not popular. One person that I admire took a huge risk going to school out of state. They then took a job in a not so popular city because it was good experience. They knew it was temporary but they also knew it would be difficult because their friends and family were in California. Eventually, after a few years they were able to come back to California because of a great opportunity. The amazing thing is that they had the foresight to look beyond the sacrifice they had to make but to focus on the ultimate goal. Another example of this is my brother-in-law. He basically sacrificed a majority of his high school and college social life in order to help my father-in-law with his tax practice. Now he's finally retiring from the practice at 27 because he's about to take the CPA exam which I'm sure he'll ace because of all his experience. He could have easily quit when he was in high-school or college. Somehow he didn't. Now he could probably start up his own tax and payroll company. Simply amazing to me. He'll probably be one of the most successful people I personally know.
When I first started working, I drove a civic. I loved my civic, but it was time to let it go because after 200k miles, it started to become unreliable. My dad had a 98 Avalon that he said I could buy off of him. It wasn't the cool car that I hoped to be driving, now that I was making money, but I knew that it was reliable and definitely affordable. While I loved my civic, buying a new car when you are 20 and trying to keep up with payments, insurance, and rent while going to school and working part-time was one of the most difficult things to do. So taking over the Avalon was an easy choice for me. 10 years later, I still drive that Avalon. I will probably drive it a couple more years then finally buy a nice car for myself. My point is that because I didn't splurge on a new car, I was able to save money for a decent ring for my wife, a beautiful wedding, and a condo. Maybe my priorities are different from everyone else, but I think I made the right decision. Knowing that I didn't have a car payment gave me peace of mind that was unimaginable. It was the polar opposite of the stress of keeping my civic.
If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have bought a new car when I wasn't fully independent. At my first job, I would have dressed up all the time even though there wasn't a dress code. Anytime someone criticizes me, its probably for something I did or they observed. Instead of trying to correct them, I try to figure out what caused them to criticize me and how to change it. The lessons I've learned I still apply today and will apply in the future. If there is something I'm unhappy about, before I start complaining about it, I'm gonna figure out what I need to do to make a change. I think for every sacrifice I've made, I'm finally reaping the benefits. I guess its like paying your dues. I hope that I will be able to teach my kids these lessons instead of them having to learn themselves. I don't think its "selling out", I think its more about focusing on the big picture and the long term goals.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Wealthy Expectations
I think its safe to say that the wealthier you are the more resources you have available to you. As such, I believe expectations should be proportionally higher. My expectations of the wealthy are that they should conduct themselves with more maturity and sensitivity. For example, if you can afford a luxury vehicle, then you should have the common sense to be a good driver. If you don't, then you should have the common sense to get lessons. I don't know how many luxury vehicle drivers I have come across that seem to act as if they are entitled to break traffic laws. I would put money down that the chances that someone cuts in line to enter a backed up on ramp is proportional to the cost of their car. I'm sure age, ethnicity, gender, and other observable traits are a factor but the level of luxury trumps them all. Most likely I'm seeing the world through jealous goggles and I'm just looking for a reason to hate people who have more than me. But for now, I will believe that there are too many wealthy people who do not know how to handle their wealth.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
My Head Hurts
Everyday the wheels in my brain are turning. I am constantly thinking about why and how and what if and howcome. Then I watch a movie like "Inception" and the questions begin to multiply. It's gotten to the point where I can't write about a single topic anymore. I'm starting to just write about writing. At first this was therapeutic and entertaining. I was able to somewhat coherently put my thoughts into words. Lately, it has become truly just random ramblings. I've written 3 entries today that I'm not going to publish because I really don't want people to think I'm any crazier than they already think. When I read some of these unpublished blogs I start to realize that I may be a big hipocrite. Believe it or not, I do care what people think of me. I'm not sure if its ok to care or not. If it's acceptable or not. I find it difficult to believe that people don't care what other people think of them. I realize that most of things I do are heavily influenced by what people will think. Does that not make me a free thinker? Does that make me less independent? Of course, there are some people whose opinion of me I care about the most. Practically every decision I make is influenced by what my wife would think. Does that make me "whooped"? I don't think so. I like to think of it as being considerate and sensitive to the one person I expect to be with me for the rest of my life. While I'm not afraid to argue, for the most part I try to avoid it. The people I respect the most are the one's who know what an opinion is and understand that everyone has one. I love when people are able to share their opinion with me and are willing to listen to my opinion and not try to convince me to agree with their opinion. Hmm..on that note, it's time to end this entry. I think I just have a lot on my mind that its starting to hurt trying to communicate it all.
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