"Be A Mang"

What does it take to be a manly man? According to the media and advertising, most Euros would not be considered manly due to their "man-bags" and tight pants. I saw another advertisement that said "The Bulk of Your Life should be lived Off-the-record." I took that to mean that people who talk about all their experiences to others are not worthy of "The Most Interesting Man in the World."

I know they are just advertisements but why do they get to get away with perpetuating or even propagating stereotypes of what it is or is not to be a man that may be considered offensive. I guess one can say that if every advertisement is analyzed that closely then someone is bound to be offended. But I would say that beer commercials are the worse blatant offenders. They should just stick to talking frogs and...well, talking frogs.

I've often been teased about many of my "likes" that may not be considered "masculine'. Forgive me if I haven't kept up to date with the Book of Masculinity that all men are required to read. Again, not your fault Mom. It was not required reading for you. I love you still. Anyway, I've learned that musicals, rom-coms, emotions, singing slow jams, drinking wine, GLEE, and romance to name a few, are not considered "manly". As a matter of fact, they are usually associated with being gay. Gay in the sense that men who like women don't typically have these likes. I often think that men who think this way are usually homophobic. Actually, any man who questions another man's masculinity is usually homophobic. But I digress.

Drinking is another thing that has quite a few nuances that I'm sure take up a few chapters in the good book. A man cannot just drink any alcohol. Let me back up, first, real men drink alcohol. The minute you turn down alcohol, unless because you are in treatment for alcohol abuse, your manliness level takes a huge dive. If a man drinks beer, light beer is frowned upon. A stout or pale ale is usually a safe choice to sustain your masculinity. You get huge points for drinking an imported beer or being able to identify an obscure beer. If you drink liquor, you risk constant ridicule and/or public flogging if you drink anything with fruit in it. If you must drink vodka, tequila, or rum, your safest bet is to take it as a shot, straight up, or on the rocks. I've seen men practically grow chest hair before my very eyes if they drink any kind of scotch. I do enjoy a good scotch now and then, but the good ones usually cost so much I would never get a good buzz. When I drink beer, my first choice is Coors Light. I am not afraid to admit that beer tastes like shit. The best beer I've ever tasted still isn't better tasting than a good ole Arnold Palmer. If its a swanky event, I can forgo the Coors Light and go with a Heineken. If I'm surrounded by beer snobs, I can drink a Fat Tire, Stella Artois, Hefenweizen, or Sapporro. In terms of hard liquor I just stick with ol' faithful, Jack and Coke.

As far as entertainment, action and violence are usually the requirements for manly movies. I like all kinds of movies. The one type of movie that I could care less about is Horror movies. Maybe this makes me look like a coward and thus, less of a man. So be it, I have yet to see any value in them.

Below are a list of things I hope to learn in order to increase my masculinity level.

1. Whistle as loud as possible putting fingers in my mouth.
2. Drink more imported beer.
3. Tie some interesting knots.
4. Magic Tricks.


That's all I can think of right now. I don't want to change too much, I'm already married.

Seriously though, men should not have to worry about being manly.

Adulthood

"You are such an adult." Such strange words to hear spoken to me. Being 36, it shouldn't sound strange. But I wonder when it won't sound strange to me. When I have kids? When I have grandchildren? Never?

I thought by this age I would be in full blown adult mode. I can remember when I was a kid and how I perceived people who were in their 30s. They were so serious. They were so authoritative. Rarely did I see them make jokes or be sarcastic. Or maybe they were making jokes and being sarcastic, I just didn't get it. Maybe there is no such thing as adulthood or at least what I thought it was. What I'm realizing is that the people that I know now, still act the same for as long as I can remember. Some have kids, some are nurses, some are business people but they are all older. The point is that almost every one of them acts the same as they did 10, 15, and 20 years ago. If they were serious 20 years ago, then they are still serious today. If they were sarcastic 10 years ago, then they are still sarcastic today. A few of my friends from high school commented on a post that I made on facebook. When I read it, I thought to myself, "this sounds like something they would have said when we were in high school." That's when I realized they haven't changed and I haven't changed that much either. Sure, I have more responsibilities and I'm independent, but personality-wise, I still think I'm immature in the sense that I joke around a lot.

I think that's one of my greatest fears about being a parent. That my kids will not be able to take me seriously or see me as authoritative. While I know Anne will have no problem with that because she is naturally dogmatic with children (I love using that word), I don't want her to take on all the disciplinarian duties. What's strange is that so many people have told me that I'm great with children and that I'll be a great father, but I wonder if they are confusing my love of children with being a good parent. Don't you need to be an adult to be a good parent? I think I might end up spoiling our children, especially if we have girls. I think I'll be more of a friend than a parent. Or even worse, I might try too hard to not be seen as a friend and more as a parent that I'll end up being mean.

Is it possible for a big kid to raise good little kids? Do I need to change to be an adult? Is there a male version of Carrie Bradshaw?

Old Reliable

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say they are going to do something and they don't do it. Perhaps I'm too sensitive (wouldn't be the first time) but I feel like when someone doesn't follow through on a promise, it shows a bit of disrespect. In a way, it kinda shows how not important you are to that person.

Now, I have to admit, as a young stud growing up in the 80's and 90's, I felt like I could get away with anything. My mom asked me to do my chores, "I will, in a minute" was my instant reply. A minute turned into an hour. An hour turned into tomorrow. Before I knew it, I had forgotten. My bad. Sorry Mom. I remember one time I was coming home from school, and I got a flat tire on my bike. I called home and asked to be picked up. Mom and Tito Jim were usually sleeping as they used to work the grave yard shift. But Mom answered and said she would pick me up in 15 mins. Well, she never did. She fell back asleep. The story I'm sticking to is that Tito Jim convinced her that I was a big boy and could walk home. THAT BASTARD!! I know it wasn't your fault Mom. You can do no wrong in my eyes. I love you. While I don't disagree with Tito Jim, the fact that expectations had already been set and it was the age of no pagers or cell phones, they should have picked my ass up. So I waited half an hour and eventually got the message and started walking. Good thing I had to walk a couple of miles with a bike, because when I started, I was fuming.

Anyways, if there are any little kids reading this or even adults for that matter, reliability and follow through go a long way. If you say you are going to do something, well, DO IT. If you say you're gonna hit me at 6pm, Hit me!! Everyone has a cell phone. Every cell phone I've ever had has had a clock with an ALARM. I'll be the first to admit that I forget everything. That's why I write shit down. That's why I use my calendar in Outlook, gmail, yahoo, and my iPhone to remind me of everything. Nowadays, there is no excuse. And if you aren't gonna be able to keep your promise, letting the person know ahead of time is infinitely better than not saying anything at all. Now one might argue that there are different levels of promises and I need to be a little more understanding. While this may be true, I guarantee you if you treat every promise and expectation as if its the #1 priority in your life, you will never lose anyone's respect. Like I said, you don't have to do everything you say if you let the person know ahead of time. To me it's just common courtesy. And better yet, if you do realize you forgot or know you will not be able to keep your promise, talking to people with your voice is always better than email, text, or IM. Being apologetic goes a long way.

I really don't think it's that hard to do. I mean, you are the one who's setting expectations most of the time. If you don't think you can do it, then give yourself a buffer. Better yet, if its time related, have the person remind you. Now the onus is no longer on just you.

Let me conclude with how I've changed over the years. There are people I know I can rely on and people, well, who are not so reliable. I can count the number of people in the former on my hands. I'm going to keep it that way. Everyone else, I will just lower expectations so I'm not constantly disappointed. If expectations are met, then its a bonus.

Open or Closed

Anne asked me tonight, "On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being private and 10 being open, what would you be?" I answered a 7 or 8. It made me wonder why. Why am I so open to the world about my life, my feelings, my emotions, my opinions? Some might say I'm opening myself to criticism. I'm allowing people to judge me without talking to me. I'm inviting strangers into my world. God forbid a future employer reads this and determines whether to employ me or not. My answer is "So what?"

If people wish to judge me on what they read rather than talking to me or spending time with me, then so be it. That's their prerogative. Actually, I hope employers read this so they can get a better understanding of who I am after or before they interview me. Right now, it doesn't matter because I have a great job and don't plan on leaving unless they get rid of me. As for people, if my opinions prevent people from engaging with me,well, then its probably for the best. What I hope is that it makes it easier for people to approach me because I've given them a million things to talk to me about. What I don't want is for people to argue with me and try to convince me that my opinions are wrong. Feel free to share your opinion with me, but please don't force them on me.

I want to share my thoughts and experiences with the world because life is all about experiences. Nobody can possibly experience everything, so why not share mine with others who may not get the chance to. In terms of opinions, I believe the more opinions there are, the more thought that is provoked, the more progress we can make. I've always enjoyed reading (mostly watching) autobiographies. So many interesting things happen to people that I don't think I'll ever experience. I know I may not have any unique experiences or opinions but mine may be different enough to stimulate some conversations. I may have a different perspective or handled things differently than expected. That's what has always interested me. How people handle every kind of situation. Most people won't share this much about themselves because we're all afraid that we may have handled a situation improperly or not the way others would have handled it so why let people know? To me, it doesn't matter. To me, to hear about the situation and to get my mind to think about how I would have handled it regardless of how others handled it, I think, prepares me better for the future. learning about the situation or knowing someones opinion gets me thinking. It gets me to start wondering. Sure, I may not have to decide whether to invade Cuba or not, but I may be put in a very stressful situation where I have to make a very difficult situation without knowing all the facts. Learning about how JFK handled it, taught me a little bit more how to assess a situation and try to make the best decision possible and live with the consequences. Many times there will be no correct decision, the important thing is to make a decision and to believe in it. Or I may never be in a game 7 of the NBA finals, shooting my team out of the game in the first half, then adjusting to make the right decisions in the 4th quarter to secure the second consecutive championship and finals MVP, but I can learn how to trust people on a team and focus on the task at hand. Or I may not be a part of a family that doesn't agree with my lifestyle, but I can learn to always stay true to myself and love unconditionally.

So I'm an open book. Some may not be as open as I am, but that's okay. The important thing is that we accept who we are. Not everyone in the world is going to like you or agree with you. So you might as well be happy with yourself.

I am a middle child.

Fatherhood Part 1

What does it take to be a father? What kind of father do I want to be? With Father's day coming up, I've been thinking a lot about those two questions. To me, its all a mystery. While I can't say I've had the best father figures growing up, I can say that I've seen examples of great fathers in my life either from TV or from other families.

When trying to answer both of these questions, I tend to get lost in my analysis. To me a father is someone who teaches you discipline, tells you the truth even if its brutal, supports you when you need it, guides you when you ask for it, protects you at all times. I have a friend whose father used to beat him. His father was a true disciplinarian. I remember talking to him when we were growing up and seeing him become very emotional. He feared and hated his father. While I'm not condoning the beating of your children, I can say that his father taught him how to be fiercely independent. He used to tell me stories of how his father taught him, as a child, how to fix practically anything in the house. If I remember correctly, he told me that he and his father completely disassembled and reassembled a car engine. This friend was definitely the first person I went to when I needed something fixed. Later on as adults we discussed the prospect of becoming parents and he told me that he was afraid to become a parent. He was afraid because he thought he would be like his father to his own children. He was afraid of having a short temper and being a physical disciplinarian. My friend is one of the strongest people I know. To see him become emotional was incomprehensible. He had grown to become unflappable, yet at the same time he was so vulnerable when it came to the idea of raising his own children. Today he has a beautiful son who he adores. The old cliché of growing up to become your parents does not necessarily hold true. I've always known that he would become a great father because he knew what he didn't want to do but had all the tools to know what he did want to do.

In my case, I didn't have a stable father figure. Due to divorce, my biological father did not live with us and my brothers and I only saw him occassionally. What I did have growing up was my Mom's boyfriend who moved to San Diego with us. I do not envy "Tito Jim". He moved in with us when I was 10, Kuya Dondee was 13, and Ryan was 6. Besides being caucasian, he didn't have kids of his own and he suffered from alcoholism. I will be the first to admit that I wasn't the easiest kid to raise. What I did learn from him was more how to love. He truly loved my Mom. He had no idea how to raise 3 boys, but he loved my mom. I try to love my wife in a very similar fashion sans alcohol.

I didn't really forge a real relationship with my real dad until college. Since I moved out of San Diego to attend Long Beach State, I was a lot closer to him as he lived in San Pedro. Being an adult already and a little more mature, I let go of any anger I had with him growing up. What I learned from him was humility and living within your means. He definitely made the most of the income he earned. He always emphasized "living within your means". I always think about that when it comes to budgeting and planning large purchases.

While my two main father figures taught me a lot, I know deep inside I do not want to be like either of them. If I could create my own father, I would want him to be more involved in my life. I would want him to cease every opportunity to teach me how to be a good person. He would provide me with the knowledge and tools to make good decisions. He would protect me from harm and boast about my accomplishments during my early years. As a teenager he would teach me how to be independent, tell me when I'm being a knucklehead, punish me when I make mistakes but always tell me that he loves me. He doesn't necessarily have to be my friend, but he definitely would have to be someone I respected.

When I become a father, I want to do everything for my kids but not spoil them. I want to provide them all the opportunities they could possibly have without forcing them into anything. I want to be that guy who everybody thinks is wrapped around their kids fingers but you know he's always in control. I don't ever want to ignore my kids. But I don't want to smother them. At this point, I'm not sure what kind of father I will be until I actually have kids. Saying what I want to do, I'm sure, is easier than actually doing it.

At this point in my life, a lot, if not all of my friends are having kids. I truly enjoy watching them interact with their kids. I take mental notes of all the things I want to keep in my fatherhood toolbox. When I see kids acting up or crying, I want to be patient enough to calm them down. My wife's sister and her husband are the best at it. Whenever their 4 and 2 year old start crying, for whatever reason, they both seem to have the ability to quickly stop the crying. Most importantly, they do it in such a calm manner it seems like they are able to reason with their children. Did I mention their children are only 4 and 2 years old. I have never, ever, ever witnessed this before. I have seen parents yank their kids so violently that MY arm started to hurt. I've seen public yelling. I've seen people ignore their kids, berate their kids, smack their kids. I want to know my in-laws secret for keeping their cool and still accomplishing what seems like the impossible. I can only hope that I have the patience that they do.

As a father, I want to be able to teach my kids how to fix everything around the house. I want them to feel like I enjoy spending time with them no matter how old they are. I want to be present for them at all times. I want them to be able to talk to me about everything. I want them to try and stump me with their questions. I want to raise them to respect their elders, adore their mother, and take care of me when I'm too old to take care of myself.

Growing up I thought I would have kids in my mid-20's. My only reasoning was that I didn't want to be too old when they became teenagers. I wanted to still be an imposing figure. In retrospect, I believe Anne making me wait was the best thing to do. At this point in my life I can absolutely say that Anne and I are financially stable. Growing up, I never knew what that meant. When we are ready to have kids, I know that we will be able to provide them with infinitely more than we were provided growing up. No disrespect to my Mother, who did everything she could to be mother and father to my brothers and me, I know that not having to worry about finances will allow Anne and I to focus on providing our children more opportunities for happiness and success.

So to my most influential father figures Dr. Cliff Huxtible, Steven Keaton, Dr. Jason Seaver, Danny Tanner and even Dan Conner, thank you for showing me how great Father's handle all situations.

To all the fathers out there, Happy Father's Day. I respect that you have chosen to raise a child in this world. I look forward to the day that I get to experience all the ups and downs of fatherhood.

Ego

Everyone has one but nobody is supposed to acknowledge it. It's a slippery slope. On the one hand, one hopes to show humility and grace. On the other hand, one needs to know when to be assertive. For me, more often than not, I feel like most people in my life are smarter than me. (Wittier? Not so much). My mother figured out how to raise 3 boys on her own while trying to assimilate into American society. My father was able to make the most out of the modest salary that he earned. My older brother, although being developmentally challenged, is able to be self sufficient in another state with no family near him. My other brother is independent, talented, adored by many, and well respected. Another brother constantly amazes me with his leadership abilities not to mention his supreme musical talent. One of my friends runs his own business in healthcare. Many of my friends have their MBA from a tier 1 school. I know a lot of people who are great at Poker. That's definitely not a stupid person's game. I can't say enough about how intelligent my wife is despite being so much younger than me and having less work experience. I could go on and on.

At the same time, I feel like I'm smarter than the average bear. When I was interviewing for career opportunities, I felt very confident with my answers bordering on cocky. As a matter of fact, most of the people that I meet for the first time I assume I'm smarter than. Does that make me egotistical? Granted, after I get to know a person more, for the most part I end up feeling like they are smarter than me. What does it all mean? I don't know how many people have told me that I don't apply myself. Does this mean that they think I could be smarter than I really am? that I could be better? Can't the same be said about almost everyone? Can't we all be better?

This quandry is what has always made me curious about personality tests or iq tests. I think it's what drives some of my competitiveness with games. Playing scrabble, racing against others to solve a crossword or sodoku, even beating people in Bejewelled provides me some sense of intellgence ranking. Silly, I know. But I have to admit, those people that do beat me earn some amount of Mensa respect. Even in high school and college, I have to admit that most of my motivation for getting good grades was simply to beat my classmates. It was more satisfying for me to have the highest score on a test than to get a good grade at the end of the semester because the instructor doesn't reveal your final grade to your classmates. That, for sure, is egotistical. I'm not ashamed of it, because it was not that often that I would get the top score. However, when I did, I felt like I was on top of the world.

I know I should just be happy with who I am and stop comparing myself to others. But I think it is just human nature. For the most part, especially in the office, you have to realize who you can rely on and who you can't when it comes to answering your questions or who can mentor you. Then at some point you have to know when you can become the mentor.

How about I just assume everybody's a genius until they prove me wrong. I love when people prove me wrong.

Utopia

Who's to say who is right and who is wrong? Who made the rules? And how do we know those rules are right? Who created morals? These are just some of the questions that I ask myself more often that I would like to admit. Throughout the day I witness things that make these questions resurface. Watching the news about wars due to religious diffences makes me wonder who are the bad guys? Going on facebook I read posts that I do not agree with but I'm not sure why I don't agree. There are some people that believe that being gay is wrong. They believe this because of their religion. Who am I to say that what they think is wrong? While I believe that everyone has a right to live their life whichever way they want, does it mean that I'm wrong in that religion's eyes? I remember watching a Jodie Foster movie called "Contact". The basic premise was that we had made contact with another life form outside of earth. An invitation was sent from these aliens to have a human visit them to teach them what human beings were all about. So a panel was created to determine who would be the best representative of human beings. Jodie Foster portrayed a scientist who was nominated to be that representative. When being interviewed a question was asked of her, "Do you believe in God?" She responded by saying that being a woman of science she did not believe that there was or is a God because there wasn't any irrefutable evidence to believe so. The panel determined that because 99% of the human population believed in some form of higher being, Jodie Foster's character, even though the most knowledgeable about the earth, would not be an ideal representative for our planet. That scene always reminds me of why it is difficult for me to be "religious". Almost everybody in the world believes in some form of God. Some religions state that if you do not follow their ways, then you are going to some form of hell. Since there is more than one religion that believes this, that means that everyone is going to some form of hell. How does this make sense? At the same time, how can we not believe in God? Quite a conundrum we are all faced with. What does that say about me if I'm not religious but I believe in God? Being brought up Catholic, I am aware of what I need to do to go to heaven. But for non-Catholics, what's in store for them? What if I want to go where the non-Catholics go? Is that wrong? Questions, questions, questions. Who knows the answers? Who gets to say if a picture is insensitive or not. Who knows? My head hurts.

Laker Haters

I've been a Lakers fan for as long as I can remember. Growing up in the 80's in SoCal it was hard not to be. Yes, I was still die hard during the 90's. Anyone who knows me knows that I live and die with the purple and gold. This lead me to think about some fans that I've come across. Living in LA, most of the sports fans that I have come across have been passionate and overall pretty cool. The people that irritate me the most are the haters. The haters are those people that hate a team for no good reason. In my opinion (as always), the only good reason to hate a team is rivalry. And when I say hate, I don't mean it in a racist, sexist, or prejudicial manner. I mean you root against them. I've come across far too many people who have rooted against the Lakers no matter who the Lakers are playing. So far I haven't heard a good reason for their hate. The most popular reason being the whole Colorado incident with Kobe. To me, that is not a good reason. Fine, dislike Kobe because of his personal life but when it comes to sports, I really think it should be kept separate. Most of the time these haters say their reason is that they "just do". My personal opinion about these haters, specifically Laker haters in or from Socal, is that they are craving attention. They want to "rage against the machine". They DON'T want to be a part of popular opinion. Going against the majority demonstrates "free thinking". Most of these people I think just enjoy antagonizing others. Someone told me they root against the Lakers because they like rooting for the underdog. That's fine so long as you can say you root for the Lakers when they are the underdog. I think she does it just to piss off her fiance. Haha.

A young relative of mine told me that her Junior High School (in LA) hates the Lakers. Huh? I'll chalk that one up to going through a rebellious phase. It's the adults who irritate me.

On a side note, someone I know on FB was tagged in a picture of the Celtics Big 3 holding their jerseys. Instead of their names on the back of the jerseys, it read "We Are F*gs". I told her that the picture was insensitive and ignorant. She responded by asking to keep her out of it. Yet she's still tagged in the picture and she commented to the person who posted the picture by saying "someone" was offended but he (the guy who posted the pic) is still her "dawg". I'm not marching in parades or participating in rallies, but at some point you have to take a stand. People, especially this generation need to be more cognizant of the messages that they are spreading.

Celebrity Sighting

So I was in Vegas this weekend. While celebrating a friend's birthday at V-bar in the Venetian, a celebrity came in at 3am. I don't know what came over me. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, the celebrity, or the moment, but I acted like a fool. The celebrity was Wayne Brady. He happened to occupy the seating area next to ours. Some of the girls we were with immediately ran over to him to take a picture. At the same time, I thought to myself, "It's Wayne Brady Bitch!", and being a big fan of his comedy, singing, and overall talent, I wanted to be in the picture too. So I ran, check that, I stepped over from our couch to his couch and tried to join the picture. Wayne Brady, 3 girls, and ME!! Makes sense right? At the time it did. But sober Wayne Brady looked at me like I was a crazy man and said "Really?! C'mon man, really?!" I explained to him that I know those girls (so its cool right?) and he responded with "And?!" After a few seconds, I understood. I calmly apologized, told him I was a big fan, and offered my hand as a testament of my realization of how lame I acted even by my standards. He graciously accepted my apology and my wife astutely captured the moment.

I don't know what came over me. I've seen plenty of celebrities in person like Adam Sandler, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Kobe Bryant. I usually just admire them from a far and try to take a picture of them. Never have I had the gumption to actually go up to them and make contact. In fact I would make sure I don't bother them because I was afraid of being one of "those" guys. The fear of them not liking me was not worth a picture. HOWEVER, in retrospect, the fact that this is my first and only picture with a celebrity in the wild, my attitude has changed a bit. With a little liquid courage as my excuse, I won't be as afraid to act a fool for the picture.