Fatherhood Part 1

What does it take to be a father? What kind of father do I want to be? With Father's day coming up, I've been thinking a lot about those two questions. To me, its all a mystery. While I can't say I've had the best father figures growing up, I can say that I've seen examples of great fathers in my life either from TV or from other families.

When trying to answer both of these questions, I tend to get lost in my analysis. To me a father is someone who teaches you discipline, tells you the truth even if its brutal, supports you when you need it, guides you when you ask for it, protects you at all times. I have a friend whose father used to beat him. His father was a true disciplinarian. I remember talking to him when we were growing up and seeing him become very emotional. He feared and hated his father. While I'm not condoning the beating of your children, I can say that his father taught him how to be fiercely independent. He used to tell me stories of how his father taught him, as a child, how to fix practically anything in the house. If I remember correctly, he told me that he and his father completely disassembled and reassembled a car engine. This friend was definitely the first person I went to when I needed something fixed. Later on as adults we discussed the prospect of becoming parents and he told me that he was afraid to become a parent. He was afraid because he thought he would be like his father to his own children. He was afraid of having a short temper and being a physical disciplinarian. My friend is one of the strongest people I know. To see him become emotional was incomprehensible. He had grown to become unflappable, yet at the same time he was so vulnerable when it came to the idea of raising his own children. Today he has a beautiful son who he adores. The old cliché of growing up to become your parents does not necessarily hold true. I've always known that he would become a great father because he knew what he didn't want to do but had all the tools to know what he did want to do.

In my case, I didn't have a stable father figure. Due to divorce, my biological father did not live with us and my brothers and I only saw him occassionally. What I did have growing up was my Mom's boyfriend who moved to San Diego with us. I do not envy "Tito Jim". He moved in with us when I was 10, Kuya Dondee was 13, and Ryan was 6. Besides being caucasian, he didn't have kids of his own and he suffered from alcoholism. I will be the first to admit that I wasn't the easiest kid to raise. What I did learn from him was more how to love. He truly loved my Mom. He had no idea how to raise 3 boys, but he loved my mom. I try to love my wife in a very similar fashion sans alcohol.

I didn't really forge a real relationship with my real dad until college. Since I moved out of San Diego to attend Long Beach State, I was a lot closer to him as he lived in San Pedro. Being an adult already and a little more mature, I let go of any anger I had with him growing up. What I learned from him was humility and living within your means. He definitely made the most of the income he earned. He always emphasized "living within your means". I always think about that when it comes to budgeting and planning large purchases.

While my two main father figures taught me a lot, I know deep inside I do not want to be like either of them. If I could create my own father, I would want him to be more involved in my life. I would want him to cease every opportunity to teach me how to be a good person. He would provide me with the knowledge and tools to make good decisions. He would protect me from harm and boast about my accomplishments during my early years. As a teenager he would teach me how to be independent, tell me when I'm being a knucklehead, punish me when I make mistakes but always tell me that he loves me. He doesn't necessarily have to be my friend, but he definitely would have to be someone I respected.

When I become a father, I want to do everything for my kids but not spoil them. I want to provide them all the opportunities they could possibly have without forcing them into anything. I want to be that guy who everybody thinks is wrapped around their kids fingers but you know he's always in control. I don't ever want to ignore my kids. But I don't want to smother them. At this point, I'm not sure what kind of father I will be until I actually have kids. Saying what I want to do, I'm sure, is easier than actually doing it.

At this point in my life, a lot, if not all of my friends are having kids. I truly enjoy watching them interact with their kids. I take mental notes of all the things I want to keep in my fatherhood toolbox. When I see kids acting up or crying, I want to be patient enough to calm them down. My wife's sister and her husband are the best at it. Whenever their 4 and 2 year old start crying, for whatever reason, they both seem to have the ability to quickly stop the crying. Most importantly, they do it in such a calm manner it seems like they are able to reason with their children. Did I mention their children are only 4 and 2 years old. I have never, ever, ever witnessed this before. I have seen parents yank their kids so violently that MY arm started to hurt. I've seen public yelling. I've seen people ignore their kids, berate their kids, smack their kids. I want to know my in-laws secret for keeping their cool and still accomplishing what seems like the impossible. I can only hope that I have the patience that they do.

As a father, I want to be able to teach my kids how to fix everything around the house. I want them to feel like I enjoy spending time with them no matter how old they are. I want to be present for them at all times. I want them to be able to talk to me about everything. I want them to try and stump me with their questions. I want to raise them to respect their elders, adore their mother, and take care of me when I'm too old to take care of myself.

Growing up I thought I would have kids in my mid-20's. My only reasoning was that I didn't want to be too old when they became teenagers. I wanted to still be an imposing figure. In retrospect, I believe Anne making me wait was the best thing to do. At this point in my life I can absolutely say that Anne and I are financially stable. Growing up, I never knew what that meant. When we are ready to have kids, I know that we will be able to provide them with infinitely more than we were provided growing up. No disrespect to my Mother, who did everything she could to be mother and father to my brothers and me, I know that not having to worry about finances will allow Anne and I to focus on providing our children more opportunities for happiness and success.

So to my most influential father figures Dr. Cliff Huxtible, Steven Keaton, Dr. Jason Seaver, Danny Tanner and even Dan Conner, thank you for showing me how great Father's handle all situations.

To all the fathers out there, Happy Father's Day. I respect that you have chosen to raise a child in this world. I look forward to the day that I get to experience all the ups and downs of fatherhood.